MATT RATES THE BEERS
Typically Beer is made from water, hops, yeast and barley. But with a few variations, you can transform a truly mediocre beer into a feast of delight, imbued with everything from a citrusy tang to a heavy bock laden with sweetness. Let’s take a taste test of the most purchased beers available at our local liquor store/Trader Joe’s, and see what’s up:
DOMESTIC BREWS:
Budweiser:
The backbone of the working class beer. Named after the original pilsner created in Pilsen, Czechoslovakia, Budweiser has been a staple of the working class hero since it’s beginnings in the late 19th century. A tangy mixture of Imported Hops, light machine oil and metal shavings, some compare a glass of Budweiser to a cold mug of hemlock, without the death aftertaste. It’s the No.1 seller in the United States, so that must say something…err…about what we don’t know. But we do know not to let it get warm, or else a fist fight might ensue. When you say Bud, you’ve said a lot of things no body wants to say…a strong fiver out of ten on our scale.
Coors:
What can you say about a light German style lager brewed by a guy named Adolph? Coors is an all time favorite, banned in some parts of this country, mostly in the South-East for some reason. A pale hoppy beer that can be consumed in large amounts, Coors is also a powerful pee producer that has you in line to the port-a-can at sporting events all too often. Coors was going to offer a catheter, but that was shelved along with the free little mustache in the 12 pack case. A fantastic beer to “water the garden” with. A solid 8 out of 10.
Pabst Blue Ribbon:
PBR conjures up days of straw hats and banjos on the Mississippi. A strong hoppy beer with fruity overtones, with a slight undercurrent of crankcase sludge detected, to keep the beer honest. PBR is likeable to people who have kidney issues. A 32 pack can be bought for $3.95 at Target when on sale. Again, don’t let it get warm, or the can might explode, and eat right through the table. A solid 3 on our scale.
Miller High Life:
Miller is truly an enema wrapped in a mystery. Drink too much and it’s poop city. Tastes good cold, but has a kind of sour medicinal taste that precludes the pooping, so we can’t recommend this brew for anything but mild constipation, or as a joke to be played on un-wary four stroke riders, right before a big race. A 2 out of 10.
Sam Adams:
Sam Adams has a myriad of different beers for every taste out there, even raspberry beer (?!?). We like the Boston Lager, but the other stuff we can just leave sit in the cooler down at Ralphs, because it costs too much, and as a rule, tastes funny as well. The Van Heflenwiesen has this white stuff floating around in it, which makes you wonder if the guys at the brewery are playing a bad joke on you. But, because of the Boston Lager we give it a solid 7 out of 10 on our scale, ten being best. A good solid beer. Cold use more alcohol content for us boozers, however.
Steel Reserve:
Steel reserve is not really a beer, more of a “High Gravity Lager” as advertised on the outside of the 24 oz. can. The can is silver, and looks just like that “Real Lead” stuff you use to pour into the gas tank of your ’55 Chevy to keep the valve seats happy. And you know what? It tastes about the same too. But at .99 cents per 24 oz. can, and with an alcohol content of 8.2% it kicks your ass. And good. Infused with corn squeezins and other “High Gravity” stuff, it’s a winner in my book. A heady hoppy taste, with overtones of methyl ethyl keytone and gum out. It’s a solid 10 out of 10. Urp…
NOW TO RATE SOME OF THE FURRIN' BEER WE GET A TRADER JOE’S:
San Miguel:
Who would have thought the Philippines could come up with such good stuff. A hearty hoppy beer that malted just right for drinking pleasure at its best. The bottles are the right size for throwing too, if someone gets in your face for pit racing or something. A solid 9 out of 10 on our scale with someone’s finger on the weight bar.
Heineken:
Dutch ditch water. Another favorite, a kind of sweet malty overtone, with just the right amount of hops to keep it from being swill. Good stuff, green bottles that you can’t miss for anything else. Too expensive though, which drops it some in our drinkability scale, a 7 out of 10.
Corona:
When the Krauts invaded Mexico back in the 1840’s they set up some breweries that still stand to this day. Corona is the benchmark of Meskin beers, and rightly so. With enough sugar to bake a few dozen cookies mixed into the brew, it has the dubious honor of being the most fattening and sugar laden beer on earth, tastes great though. Light hoppy body with a smooth finish of caramel and sweet mesquite wood. Goes good with any starchy snack, like a penguino. We give it a solid 10 out of 10. Viva la Corona!
Old Hindenburg Lager:
Old Hindenburg Lager sells for $3.95 for a six Pac of 12 ounce bottles. And it tastes like Old Hindenburg took a leak into the tank. A bitter aftertaste followed by the heavy overtone of rust and grain, not at all bad, just sloppy. Picture Brew 102 in a different bottle. One warning don’t let it get warm, or it's gag city. Old Hindenburg gets a rating of five out of 10 possible points.
Rasputin Dark Ale:
Named for the Mad Monk of the last Romanov dynasty before the Russian Revolution, Rasputin is heavy on the malted barley and malt, with a tangy overtone that evokes a firing squad of Mosin Nagants at 20 paces. Tastes OK, but a $7.50 for a four pack of twelve ounce bottles, it shoots itself in the foot with the price. Good for getting real stinko, as it has a kinda high 7.2% alcohol content. Black bottles make it spooky, along with a wild rendition of the mad monk himself on the label. A solid 9.
And that’s about it for the beer test, because I’m out of my favorite Steel Reserve High Gravity at the moment, and must jump in the handi-van before it gets dark to purchase some more.
What are your favorite grain beverages? Let us at Superhunky.com know what you drink in leisure moments between spark plug changes. You might get a good set of CD’s if we like what you have to say (and drink)…
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