HOW TO SPOT AN ASSHOLE IMMEDIATELY
THERE ARE SIGNS YOU SHOULD KNOW
BY RICK SIEMAN
We’re told that we should not profile people all the time. Hold back on our first impressions. Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t form opinions based on looks.
Hmmmm.
Quite a few years ago, the publisher came up to me and asked me to interview people for a job in the mail room. Even though I was an editor, the lady in charge of the mail room was out with the flu and we needed another warm body on there to ship stuff out.
I figured it would be a snap and agreed to do so. The first guy to answer the ad was a young man – about 19 or so – with a filthy t-shirt on and blown-out levis. He also sported an afro hair do that looked like a cartoon. It was about two feet around and looked like a giant mushroom. I took one look and told him thanks for coming by, but no thanks.
He got all pissed off and started swearing, saying that I must not like black people. I was taken aback and my first impression was to apologize. Then I took a deep breath and said: “Nope. I won’t offer you the job because of the way you look. Your clothes are dirty, your jeans are ragged and you have a hair-do that says ‘look at me’. The interview ended with him stomping off, muttering curses under his breath.
Was I racist? Did I profile?
Think about this. You’re in a supermarket and you want to get some tomatoes. So you locate them and go to pick out a half dozen or so. The first one you pick up has a bruise on the side and is discolored. So you put it back. The second one feels a bit hard and it gets put back in the pile. The third one looks good, is evenly colored and a fair size, so you pick it.
Well, my friend, you have just pre-judged the tomatoes. That first one you put back might well have been the best tasting tomato you ever had, but you never gave it a chance because it was bruised and discolored. You just assumed, based on appearance only, that it was in some way inferior. Same with the second tomato. So you picked one that looked right.
It's the same way when you look at a car, a potential girlfriend, or a dirt bike that you want to buy. If it looks a little weird, you don't even want to go there. Yep, we're all guilty of pre-judging.
So when you see someone on the street and his very appearance makes you want to puke, chances are that person has a real flaw with this personality. In other words, he's probably an asshole.
The fact that he has a ring in his nose, a bolt stuck in his tongue, or a weird spiky hairdo, should be a warning to you that the person is going out of his way to alienate all those around him. Yes, people who dress like that and do weird things to their body, do it for a reason. Most of them want to shock people and have people freak out just when they see them.
This can't be healthy. A normal person wants to be accepted, wants to be liked, and wants to be accepted by the society in general. When a person gets off making those around him all queasy, that tells you something about the person. It means that they are probably an asshole of the first order.
So what are the warning signs that you should be able to spot in people?
First and foremost, if they have their baseball cap on sideways, it's a dead giveaway. They put the brim on the front of the cap for a reason. When you put it on sideways or backwards, you're just trying to make a statement.
The next thing that should be a clue, are people who are outrageously tattooed. We're not talking about a guy who was in the Navy and has an anchor tattooed on his forearm, we're talking about the clown who has blazing skulls all over his chest and back , and freaky looking designs halfway up his neck. These people are doing this for the shock value alone. This crap you hear about body art and freedom of expression is just that: crap. They just want to freak people out, and that my friend, is a definite warning sign that the asshole factor is running quite high.
What about hair? If your hair is a bit long or a bit short, no one cares or even notices very much. Consider walking around with filthy dreadlocks halfway down your back, and you're making a statement, and that statement is that you are freaky and you don't care what people think. You want to run a nice afro hairdo? Fine. Walk around with something about two feet in diameter and people like look at you like you're some kind of colossal jerk, which you are.
A ring in your nose? Bolts in your tongue? It not only makes you look stupid, but it could possibly be one of the sickest and most dangerous things you can do. You might as well walk around holding up a big sign saying I AM AN ASSHOLE!
Many have not been so lucky with their lip piercings. Whether the procedure wasn't done correctly in the first place, or the piercee's body chemistry simply chose to reject the piercing, the story varies from person to person. The point is that sometimes a lip or nose piercing goes wrong.
The problems may appear almost immediately, or they may only come to light months or years after the piercing was carried out. This is because many of the dangers of piercings take time to develop, and they may go unnoticed in the early stages.
Those consequences could include:
- Infections: These can be caused by improperly disinfected piercing tools, an unsterile piercing environment or less than stellar after care on your part.
- Nerve damage: This can happen during the actual piercing.
- Tooth erosion/cracking: If your piercing isn't located in just the right spot, your jewelry will rub against your teeth.
- Gum erosion: This is caused when your jewelry rubs against the gums.
- Gum recession: Your gums can shrink away in the spot your jewelry comes in contact with them.
- Tooth scrambling: Without healthy gums, the jawbone itself can be exposed to infection and erosion. When this happens the teeth loosen and change position. Sadly, scrambled teeth are usually the first thing you notice, after the real damage is done.
- Sensitive teeth: This is another by-product of gum recession. As the gums recede, the nerves of the teeth become exposed and sensitive.
- Tooth loss: This is the final outcome of gum loss and decay.
- HIV: This is one consequence everyone should take seriously, but it just takes one careless misstep to transfer this incurable virus from one customer to the next.
- Hepatitis: This risk goes hand-in-hand with the caution about HIV.
No one is telling you that you have to dress in a regimented fashion, or toe the line when it comes to your facial hair, or grooming techniques. But when your appearance is designed for shock value to all those around you, they have labeled themselves rather clearly as an asshole.
Lastly, and this is important. You can tell if a person is an asshole or not, just by looking at their car. Nope, it's not by the year, make or model. It's by the kind of sticker they have on. If it's one like this,
then you can be absolutely sure the person is a gold-plated asshole!
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