May. 2000
MEET THE PRESS

RICK SIEMAN INTERVIEWS ALGORE

BY RICK "SUPER HUNKY" SIEMAN

CLINTON'S BUTT-BOY GETS GRILLED BY THE HUNK

Editor's note: When first approached by the Off-Road.com staff for an interview, the Al Gore staffers told us there was no chance at all that the Vice President would consent to an interview, especially with Rick "Super Hunky" Sieman, a man of notoriety within political circles.

However, when informed that Off-Road.com reached millions of people each month, and that there were about 6 million people who rode dirt bikes and ATVs, and another 20 million people with 4x4 vehicles, this caught their attention. After all, many of these people are clearly of voting age. You don't run out and buy a new Explorer if you're16 years old and bagging groceries on Saturdays at the local market.

So, rather reluctantly, they agreed to make some time for Al Gore to sit down and have a chat with off-roading's bad boy, Rick Sieman. The following is a written transcript of that interview. It was originally scheduled to be aired on a major network, but for reasons that might become obvious, was cancelled.

AL: No thank you. I'll just sip on this bottle of Ben and Jerry's water. By the way, I've personally filled this bottle 14 times, so you can see that I practice what I preach: recycling is good for the planet.

RICK: Hmmm. But the bottle you're using is made of plastic. And that plastic is made from a by-product of petroleum, which means oil. So, by using that plastic bottle, you are personally increasing the dependence of the US on foreign oil. I thought you were against that kind of stuff in your book? Why aren't you using a hollowed-out rock to carry your drinking water around, like a good environmentalist?

AL:  Well, now, let me say this about that. As soon as I fly back to Washington, I'll have my people look into .

RICK: Whoa! Hold it right there! You are gonna fly back to Washington? What about pedaling a bicycle, or riding a horse? Surely, you are not going to burn thousands of gallons of jet fuel to cart your butt back to DC?

AL:  Well, now, ahem .. uhhh, you see, my schedule is such that I cannot afford the luxury of taking a bicycle across this wonderful - yet highly polluted - country of ours.

RICK: OK, I'll buy that for the moment, but what's preventing you from taking public transportation? I mean, a Greyhound bus leaves for the East Coast every 15 minutes or so. That way, you can wedge your ass in between a fat, sweaty, trailer-park queen and a snoring, slobbering wino and communicate with them as you go.

AL:  Well, gosh, let me say that you certainly do have a sense of humor, Rick. May I call you Rick? Well, you see, just the other day I was talking with Tipper - she's my lovely wife, you know - and she said that I should reach out and get in touch with the people more often. So let me say this about that, I will try to work that sort of approach in to my campaign, and will urge Mister Bush to do the same.

RICK: Let's put that on the back burner for the moment and get down to some more serious things. In your book, Earth In The Lurch, you wrote .

AL:  Let me correct you on that one, Rick. The name of that book is Earth In The Balance. The word "Lurch" indicates a sort of stumbling action.

RICK: Words are amazing things, Al. Now, back to your book. In it, you wrote that the internal combustion engine was the single greatest threat to the environment. Even more so than nuclear war and rampant disease. Are you aware that off-roaders use internal combustion engines in their machines? Bikes, trucks, ATVs, snowmobiles, jet-skis and such? And you expect millions of off-roaders to vote for you with that kind of stance?

AL:  Well, let me see if I can put this in the proper light and say this about that. When I was writing about the internal combustion engine - Bruce Babbitt calls it the infernal combustion engine - I meant in the context of all the vehicles you see being used on the highways and byways of our great nation. I never meant to include off-road vehicles in that statement. Why, I'm one heck of a dirt bike rider myself.

RICK: Wait. Let me get this straight. You claim to be a dirt biker?

AL:  Well, let me say this about that: I've got the bugs in my teeth and can't wait to have the wind in my hair.

RICK: You could do that by standing behind a bear farting, Al. So what kind of dirt bike do you like best, while we're on the subject?

AL:  Well, as I look at the big picture and put everything in the proper light, I can say this about that: While I like all the dirt bikes equally well, I personally ride the ones built in the African-American or Native American factories.

RICK: Al, there are no factories like that building bikes.

AL:  Well, ha-ha-ha, that's a good one on you! Of course, that was a joke. Tipper says - she's my wife, you know - that I have a great sense of humor, and that if the American people ever got to know the real Al Gore, they would really laugh.

RICK: Gotta agree with you on that one, Al. We've been laughing at you for seven years now.

AL:  Well, thanks for saying that about this.

RICK: What's your favorite kind of off-road racing, Al?

AL:  Well, let me look at the big picture on this subject, and without offending all the different types of racing - Tipper likes them all, you know - I guess if I had to pick one, it would be the Mike's Peak Hillclimb race.

RICK: That's 'Pike's Peak," Al.

AL:  Right. I always get those two mixed up. I better re-check with Hillary - she's Bill's wife, you know - about that.

RICK: So why is hillclimbing your favorite type of competition? And how long have you been into this facet of the sport?

AL:  Gosh, well, let me think a bit about that and see if I can pin-point it all in context. Hmmmm. It must have been right before I invented the Internet. And I think that the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat say it all for me. That's a quote from my book, you know, and it's become a part of American culture. In fact, I gave ABC permission to use that quote on their sports programming.

RICK: You made that quote? And gave it to ABC?

AL: Well, let me expand on this about that. You know that scene on Wide World of Sports, where the man falls off during the ski jump?

RICK: Yes ..

AL:  Well, that was me. Yes, Several years before I invented the Internet, I was a ski jumper. Well, that crash got me thinking about retiring, and Tipper - she's my lovely wife, you know - said that I owed it to the country to stay healthy.

RICK: Al, would it be possible to ask you a very, very personal question?

AL:  Well, let me say this about that: Ask away and I'll explore the context to its fullest potential.

RICK: OK . here goes. You've got some kids and your wife is not all that bad looking. But I'm having trouble picturing you trying to procreate. In fact, no matter how hard I try, I can't even imagine you whipping off a bathroom towel in front of Tipper, and saying something like: "Are you ready for some action?"

AL:  Well, even though this is on a personal level, I owe it to the American people to level with them on this about that. While I'm not a real party animal, it might surprise you to know that while I was in the service, the guys in the showers used to comment that I was quite the guy. Even my African-American buddies - of whom I have many - would walk by, slap me on the buttocks and say: "What's happening, Holmes!"

RICK: Sounds a bit on the gay side, Al. Spending all that time in the showers, and getting your fanny spanked.

AL:  Well, even though I am a enviro-hetero-sexual person by nature, I understand where our gay voters are coming from.

RICK: So do we, Al.

AL:  I'm glad you understand. Well, to underscore this about that, some of my very best friends are .

RICK: Butt pirates?

AL: : Well, I wouldn't say that about this. Not in that context, to be sure. And I certainly would not use that language. Instead, Tipper - who is not a lesbian, but would love to be one if she had the spare time - refers to them Sexual Free Spirits.

RICK: Hmmm. Using that logic, someone who regularly runs red lights would be an Uninhibited Driver, right?

AL:  Well, let me say that I would not encourage anti-social behavior of any sort, and that's why I'm running for the office of President.

RICK: Speaking of that, how's it going?

AL:  Well, speaking bluntly about this, I can only say that my opponent is outspending me on a ten-to-one basis, which I consider unfair and certainly un-American.

RICK: You could always visit another one of those Buddhist temples, Al. Even though those nuns take a vow of poverty, they always seem to have a few hundred thou laying around for campaign contributions. Any thoughts on that?

AL:  Well, when considering that, I can certainly say this: That was a small error in communications. I thought I was visiting the Ronald Reagan Library, and was surprised and somewhat confused when all those pesky little nuns gave me envelopes. I thought they wanted me to put a contribution for the library in those envelopes, so you can imagine my surprise when I opened them up and found money. So, in an attempt to prevent any appearance of impropriety, I immediately gave the money to the Democratic National Committee for safe-keeping.

RICK: But those nuns were up on felony charges and have fled the country. What's the deal with that?

AL:  Well, what we're dealing with here, and I will address that forthwith, is a simple cultural glitch. And that's why I have introduced a bill in Congress that will earmark money to help educate these Buddhist nuns. We need $45 million for this project, and I have put Tipper - my lovely and capable wife, you know - in charge of this to make sure it operates on the straight and narrow.

RICK: Is she getting paid for this "public service?"

AL:  Well, let me say this as I consider just how to answer that: Her salary is very small, in comparison to the effort and time involved.

RICK: How small?

AL:  Well, the substance of that question is one that must be considered in the context of the gist of the matter, with the juxtaposition of the converging opinions on the subject, in relation to the needs, via the checks and balances of the ebb and flow of the variables.

RICK: Huh?

AL:  Perhaps I should clarify that a bit, so let me point out this about that: When analyzing those variables, one must not be diverted by unsubstantiated and superfluous extraneous matters that do or do not directly have an impact on the crux or the question under consideration, or the core matter of the subject at hand. I hope this helps.

RICK: I am well and truly amazed, and don't have a clue as to what you just said. But enough of that. The off-roaders want to know what will happen if you get elected. Will you continue the land-grabbing policies of Bill Clinton?

AL:  Well, I can, with certainty, say this about that. I will protect the environment, and will also expand areas for off-road recreation at the same time.

RICK: And just how will you accomplish this, when the avowed goal of the Sierra Club is the complete elimination of all motorized recreational sports?

AL:  Well, I can give you a simple and clear answer on that, so let me say this: Elect me President, and I'll assign a bi-partisan committee to explore all facets of this truly divisive and fractious quandary. I hope this clarifies that.

RICK: And just who would be on this committee?

AL:  Well, let me suggest that this would certainly be workable with a diverse committee. I would suggest Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, James Carville, Barbara Streisand, Whoopi Goldberg, Ted Danson, Rob Reiner, Peter Jennings, Geraldo Rivera, Rosie O'Donnel, Barney Frank, Janet Reno and Dave Foreman.

RICK: Wait a minute! Is that the same Dave Foreman who's the founder of Earth First and now an officer with the Sierra Club? What the hell is he doing on an impartial committee?

AL:  Well, in order to say this about that, one must consider a semblance of fairness. He's there to lend some balance; a voice from the other side, as it were.

RICK: Guess what, Al? After chatting with you, I can only report to the off-road community, that you are their worst enemy. Sorry, Al, but you are going to lose millions of votes. And not only that, but we just found out that the Internet causes global warming, and YOU INVENTED IT! So we're going to release this information to the Sierra Club and none of those pinheads will vote for you, either. Looks like you're going down in flames, Al.

AL:  Well .

RICK: And quit saying "well" because you're driving everyone nuts with that.

AL:  Actually, I did some research, and our people found out that George W. Bush invented the Internet. Yes, that's it. Bush did it. And not only that, it was George W. all dressed up like a Buddhist nun who made those illegal contributions. And it was George Bush on his knees under that desk, not Monica Lewinsky. And . and . and it was George Bush holding that assault weapon on poor little Elian Gonzalez . and .

RICK: Ok, you guys. Cut the tape and get this jerk out of here. Norm? Show Al the door. Pat? Tell Tipper to quit rubbing Ed's thighs and to put her dress back on. Eddie? Spray that chair with Lysol. Even better, just burn it. Whatever was sitting in it might be contagious. And Pattie? Please get me on plane back to Baja real quick, before my brain explodes.